How to Make Jo Cry

This past Monday, Attila put me through the toughest workout I have ever done.


I mean *ever* ever.

You know that point in a workout where you really and truly think you might vomit? I passed that point at about 25 minutes in. I moved from there to the "I think I might cry" point, and from there on to the "I think I might cry--wups, no, I *am* crying" point.

It was SO MUCH FUN. I had such a good time, and felt so good (once I stopped) and slept so well and felt so fantastic the next day, that I asked her for a repeat today. What the heck did this workout involve?

We started with our usual warm-up: walking and easy jogging for a total of a half-mile in ten minutes.

From there, Attila had me do crunches combined with bicep curls on an Instability Ball with eight-pound weights. I did twenty of those, only nearly-falling three times. Those sets were interspersed with this weird routine where I step sideways up onto a step with five pound weights in each hand and punch as I step. That bit makes me feel like Jane Fonda every time.

One: three sets of twenty crunches-with-bicep-curls, with two minutes of step-punches in between.

Then we moved on to pushups on the step. Because I've been trying to work on my pushup form, she let me do bent-knee pushups on the condition that I was very, very mindful of what my back was doing. We started with three and added one more each set, for a total of eight. In between those, I did deadlifts.

Two: three sets of pushups with deadlifts in between.

Now we got to the really hard stuff: I have no clue what it's called, but it involves a barbell, a complex, multi-part move, and thus the very real risk of injury. (I should probably mention here that my workout room has a very low ceiling as well as a ceiling fan, so every session is an experiment in dancing the line between muscle-building and finger-amputation.)

You take a bar and slap, say, thirty pounds on it. Not too much: what you'll be doing is rather unpleasant. Holding the barbell with an overhand grip, squat so that the barbell goes over and down past your knees. Now un-squat, bringing the barbell up to your chest and over your head in a sort of clean-and-jerk maneuver--but make it smooth and without any jerking or rocking. Do twenty. In between, do mountain climbers for 45 seconds each time.

Three: Light-weight cleany-jerky moves (aka Achy-Breaky Lifts) with mountain climbers in between; three sets of twenty each. (I did one set of twenty, one of twenty-five, and one of thirty of each of those, but then, I'm a masochist.)

Then I did Good Mornings, which might be the best exercise ever. One set of twenty, then one set of 25, then one set of 30. In between I was forced to do itty-bitty leg lifts while propped on the ball (twenty-five on each leg).

Four: Good Freakin' Mornings: 20/25/30 (with 50 lbs on an Olympic bar), alternating with unweighted side leg lifts while propped on a stability ball (25/25/25) and oh my frogs did those hurt.

Then it was back to the step, but this time, Attila had something new for me: chest flyes with eight-pound weights *in combination with* a raised-knee crunch. Basically, for those of you lucky enough not to have to do that, you start on your back with your by-now-noodle-like arms in a fly position. Do a chest fly at the same time that you raise your upper body as though you were doing a situp *AND* raise your bent knees, as though you were doing a knee-up.
Do thirty. Then do some weird sort of sideways-hopping, weighted-ball swinging thing that always makes for sore obliques for two minutes, then thirty more crunchy fly horrors.

Five: Excerable Chest Flyes From Hell, three sets of thirty, with 1.5 minutes of Ankle-Spraining Agility Training in between. It was at this point that I put my head on the utility sink in the workout room and wept softly. Just a few tears, though, because:

Finally! You only have fifteen minutes left! What'll you do for the next fifteen minutes? I'll tell you: Lat rows (20 lbs each, three sets of twenty) alternating with running sprints on the treadmill (as fast as you can for 30 seconds).

Six: Thank God It's Only Lat Rows and Then Running.

Just as I thought I was going to absosmurfly die, Attila decided that I'd had--almost--enough. So we finished off with two sets of twenty Kneeling Tortures and forty (in a row holy kamole) crunches with shoulder presses.

Kneeling Tortures are as follows: You kneel (duh). You hold a 15-lb weight between your hands. Lowering your butt to your heels, you bring the weight down to the ground. Rising up into a high-kneeling position, you bring that weight up, straight out in front of you. That's one. Do thirty-nine more. Before you cry, though, be aware that you'll have to do a sit-up with 5 pounds in each hand, pressing out from the shoulder as you come up into the crunch.

Seven: Kneeling Tortures and shoulder-press crunches.

I ended the session on my hands and knees on the floor, shirt and ponytail both completely soaked with sweat, cursing the fates that brought me Attila. And then I asked her if we could make two out of every three workouts like this one. Today's workout was mostly upper body and thus easier, but jiminy crickets! did I ever sweat.

Caution: I wouldn't, if I were you, try this whole thing at home unless you have somebody there to catch the weights you nearly drop on your head. For reals. It's an ugly, ugly workout.

Tidak ada komentar:

Posting Komentar