Good excuses to be baaaaad

Ah yes, all the pieces are starting to fit together...
Photo credit: Max-B

Sometimes in my idle wandering through the Interwebs ceaseless search for Truth, I come across some disparate studies that seem related. It's some kind of synergistic convergence, if that means what I think it does. Everything comes together like pieces of a jigsaw, and it's serendipity doo dah, serendipity day.... Or something like that.

Here are three excellent studies that prove you can prove anything if you stage your study right prove exactly what I've wanted to hear: it's okay to give in and be baaad...

- fatty food improves memory
Yes, according to one white-coated researcher, "By helping mammals remember where and when they have eaten a fatty meal, OEA's memory-enhancing activity seems to have been an important evolutionary tool for early humans and other animals.

"Remembering the location and context of a fatty meal was probably an important survival mechanism for early humans."

However, don't go out and order several dozen extra large pizzas yet. The researchers also admit that eating too many fats can result in obesity. (Really? You think?) Maybe just one pizza.

- drinking coffee fends off Alzheimer's
Drinking 3 to 5 cups of coffee daily in middle age can stave off developing Alzheimer's when you're older. Of course, the problem here is that I don't think I'm middle aged yet, even though I'm halfway to 90. (Gasp -- she's how old???) So when should I start hitting the coffee? When I feel middle aged? The study also noted that the group with the lowest rate of coffee consumption scored highest in depression, which might be significant. Sounds significant, even if it isn't.

- Strenuous exercise may be connected to memory loss
I stole leveraged this study from Healthbolt. Thankfully, the study dealt with people who did really strenuous exercise, which means you can still follow Crabby's patented S.H.I.I.T. method of keeping fit. You just don't have to do it for too long.

So, now you can wake yourself up with coffee in the morning, chow down at the barbecue, and go easy on the hardcore workout. (Well, so long as you believe these studies. I figure if you already believe these things, you'll find these studies useful and if you don't believe, these studies won't keep you awake nights.)

You just have to believe!

I'm still waiting for a study that says sitting around reading blogs causes people to get enormous raises at review time, and one that proves spending time in a hammock helps you fit into a skinnier bathing suit. I have a feeling these studies will be along shortly.

I did come across this study:

- blue eyed people are brainier

I really want this one to be true, in the same way that I want to read a study proving that short, round,Irish-American women are statistically more likely to win the lottery, marry George Clooney, and lose 20 pounds on the Chocolate Éclair diet. Except that my brother is also blue-eyed, so it doesn't settle the issue of which one of us is smarter. (He's probably off looking for a study that proves tall Irish-American men who are older than their sisters are smarter.) Even a quick read of the study raises so many questions that I wonder how the researchers could keep a straight face. I still want to believe.

And one last study, that I also want to believe in:

- Swearing is good for you
Apparently someone actually did a study to determine whether people felt better if they swore after hurting themselves. (Um... who funds these studies? 'Cause I'd really like to get going on studying the Chocolate Éclair diet, and I think they'd go for it.)

So, next time you hit your thumb with the hammer, don't hold back on the language. Let it out! You can tell any nearby kids you're doing it for your health. I'm sure they'll understand.

Maybe turn your face away first...

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